Your Relationship to Fear

I love fear.

I see it as a quintessential part of my identity and also as a compass in my life.

I also love quotes; I collect them. And I notice that something like 50%+ of them are about fear 😂.

This one might be my all-time favorite.

“To this day I wonder about the courage I found underneath the fear. I wonder if I could find it again. I wonder if it is wrong to look for it.” -- Boyd Varty, The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life

A lot of brave people seem to have a naturally calm, open disposition toward the world. Like my husband, for example. He walks around completely unconcerned most of the time, with a sort of, “why-on-earth-would-anything-bad-happen” mentality.

I’m not like that. Partly because I’m built differently, and partly because some pretty bad things actually have happened in my life. I’m not a tragic person by any means, but a little bit of trauma tends to temper your ability to believe that nothing bad can happen to you.

Still, one of the things my husband and I bond over most is our sense of adventure and desire for excitement.

I have fear - but I do things anyway. Part of me believes that my experiences are that much sweeter, because the emotion is so strong in me. The change, the release when I let go, when I accept the fear into me and through me.

The video here is of me bungee jumping off a bridge in Croatia on a family trip. As I stood on the edge, waiting for the final clear to go, the guy working the jump asked, “How do you feel?”

I said exactly what I felt - “Alive.” And dove with arms out.

Even though I have some natural fear, I was incredibly lucky to have some early experiences that showed me you can be afraid and do things anyway. This is how you build hope, resilience, and confidence - by doing things. When you do things, you see that it usually doesn't turn out as badly as you imagine - and even if it does - you realize you're basically still okay anyways.

When you are afraid, you are on the threshold of participating in life. Of having the feeling of being alive. To participate in life, you must let go of control.

There is a mistake I see people make all the time with fear. I see them asking how to overcome it. How to lose it. How to not feel it. I see them waiting to do things “until” they can do it without being afraid, “until” they are ready, “until” they have everything in place. Until, until, until.

“Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total destruction. I will face my fear. I will let it wash over me and through me. And when it is gone, only I will remain.” – Frank Herbet, Dune

This is what you do with fear. This is what “letting go” actually means. Don’t be fooled by the terminology; you don’t get to cut things away from you and serenely watch them float away down the river, never to bother you again.

To “let go” means to let go of fighting reality. It means to let yourself feel the thing you have been unwilling to feel. It means to accept that thing into yourself. To let it flow through you. To keep it, even. This is only way. You experience and process your fear, and it stops recycling endlessly inside of you. It lets go of you.

Until it appears anew, to be experienced again 😊.

"One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again." — Abraham Maslow

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m arguing that you should be brave, not stupid.

If you do something you are logically unprepared for or that causes your body to scream “no, don’t do this,” you should likely consider whether that thing is safe for you at this time, or at least worth it if it carries real risk. Judgment is a great companion when you’re facing your fears. Especially with horses.

So ask yourself, “Is this a reasonable fear?” If yes, consult yet another quote:

”If you want to lower your fear level, lower the danger level.” -- Barbara Sher, Refuse to Choose

To get started in facing fears and developing judgment,  go out and do something that is just barely too hard for you. Just barely.

If you’re honest and really letting yourself feel the fear, you might be surprised how small a task feels just barely too hard. It might be making small talk with a stranger. It might be telling a close friend what your dream is. It might be making a low-stakes phone call to start (or even assess starting) your business.

It doesn’t matter. Do it. Do it and tomorrow you will be a different person, even if just a little. Your identity will start to change, and your actions will start conforming to it. Do just a little bit, often. See where you are in a year.

"The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself... That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right.” — Neil Gaiman, Make Good Art